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Yes, it’s time for another “Fun Times In Dani’s Search Box” [stop being a perv] segment because these are a few of my favorite things [about blogging]. It’s a slow day, I thought I’d try it.

The searches are getting more detailed and more hilarious. 

(1) Dear “Nathan Gerbe girlfriend” searcher: He’s practically one step away from facebook proposing to me and [in Disney movie evil step-mother voice] you little bunnies are not getting in my way of being his future facebook trophy wife. Ahem. And I hope to God he doesn’t Google his own name… As for “paul gaustad girlfriend gossip,” stop messing with me Goose’s Roost! You’re so dead. Lastly, we have “Soup with Joe” [??????!!!!! Reality show in the making]. The answer is no. Joe Thornton and Soupy are most definitely NOT a couple. When it comes to Joe, I must crack down the law. Crack.

(2) “most embarrassing photo”

Oh, my. Not only is it embarrassing, it’s most embarrassing. I hope it wasn’t in reference to that photo of Dion Phaneuf and I at last year’s Mardi Gras theme party… 

(3) “sergei kostitsyn face shapes” 

Thank you for bringing that to my attention. I’ve never thought of that. How could I have been so disillusioned as to not see the many shapes of the Kostitsyn faces?

Sergei’s a shape shifter. Sometimes his face looks squarish while other times he looks circular. In my opinion,  it’s all about the lighting. On the other hand his brother, Andrei, is oval-shaped. He’s the lucky one; he can work almost any style of sunglasses. He could even get away with wearing them at night. 

(4) “pavel datsyuk hair”

You’re just egging me on now, you naughty bloggers. He does have some whacked out hair. He was yet another fun-sized forward shunned because of his “petiteness.” Let’s overlook the hair and praise him for his countless Lady Byng assists, Young-Star/All-Star/Olympic appearances, Reebok stick making, and good sportsmanship play. He can officially join the Kostitsyn brothers and Thomas Vanek in the great league of hot mess hairstyles. Congratulations, Pavel, you’re inducted. Don’t forget to thank your entourage of hairstylists, the little people that got you to where you are today, and God (I have a hunch you’re a closet Russian hip-hop artist). 

Side Note [but still kind of related]: You need to see this baby. I’ll hold and let you soak it in.

AHHH! Inducted.

(5) “Mik”

Where Are They Now: Hockey Goalies Edition featuring Mika Noronen. 

Noronen, a Finland native, was a draft pick of the Sabres and played for the Rochester Americans. He was traded to the Vancouver Canucks two years ago. Apparently, he’s *here now.

*[Roughly Translated: Team "Super Russian Snow Leopards"].

I liked you and your fighting/glass-cleaning-in-front-of-the-goal-judge-self. When or if Jocelyn Thibault leaves and Snoop Dogg is unavailable, I’ll send a personal invite to return to the Amerks Pirates.

(6) “Playoff Beards”

This must be pertaining to Crosby. I found this article in SKB Times. What a trashy blog…

Yet another press conference was held by the NHL Network, this time at the Wachovia Center in Philadelphia, pertaining to Sidney Crosby’s controversial playoff beard. He was joined by teammate and Pittsburgh goalie, Marc-Andre Fleury. Crosby was wrongfully slammed about his appearance. ”Is there any truth to the fact that NHL officials are overlooking your inability to grow a beard and favoring your hockey star phenom skills? Could you tell us where your playoff beard is, Sid?” the Philadelphia media accusingly questioned. Crosby, whom was clearly angered responded with, “I don’t have one, to be honest with you.” He and Fleury were quickly escorted out of the room by Penguin Coach, Michele Therrien, following the disturbing statement. 

Wow, I don’t know what to say. Sid, I think you’re losing your beard. It’s Ok it’s a stressful time. I’m not a guy, so I’m not down with the beard growing, but I’m sure the stress doesn’t help. Take a breather. Whose team is leading the way? Jags and his mullet beard? Wrong. Besides, growing playoff beards are so pre-lockout NHL. You’re the new NHL. Own the peach fuzz (and Chops).

 

And that’s how I run the NHL in my World. Stop me, please.

 

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Filed under Jocelyn Thibault, Kostitsyn, Mika Noronen, Pavel Datsyuk, Pittsburgh Penguins, Sidney Crosby