Redemption Blogging

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• As I predicted, when I finally had time to watch some of the Pens and Rangers game, Pittsburgh lost [3-0].
• Franzen killed Colorado’s Stanley Cup dreams [8-2]. Yah, Franz.
• Joe Sakic may or may not retire next season. Don’t do it.

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This may a tough pill to swallow, as Harry Neale would say. 

A.O.: I beat you up on a regular basis and I’ve yet to steal your lunch money. You seem too cocky. You seem too crazy. Let’s blame your Super Athlete parents. You just make it too easy. You’re there, “ripe for the pickin’” as they say. It’s only because I’m jealous you’re not on my team. Think about it. We already have tons of goals. Pommers + You + YoYo = Pure Goal Euphoria. That’s niiiice. But it won’t happen, we already have an All-Star and his name is Ryan Miller. More than one All-Star per Sabre team is not allowed (See: Soupy, Briere). You’ve signed a contract with the Caps till death do you part. Plus, you’re just not our type.

Derek Roy: You’re not my favorite Sabre. I know, I know, it’s “Derek Roy.” I can’t put my finger on it, but there’s something about you I just don’t like. Maybe it’s the scrunchy face you make all the time. You have pretty eyes, you have gotten away from your whining and Holy Diver stages, and you’ve stepped up your game and became one of the big boys. Someday, I’ll be willing to overlook your fashion sense and metrosexual hair (Ok, the hair rocks) and you just might make it onto my top ten list. You are a Sabre and you are pretty amazing when you’re not hitting the post on your game. Go Roysie!

Chris Neil: You always pick on the Goose. I think you may have a tiny crush on him [Elementary School 101]. We all love Paul but, rather than punching him in the face, try sending him flowers and Energy Star qualified compact fluorescent light bulbs instead. I think he would like that.

Brian Campbell: You were definitely not my favorite Sabre. I’m not going to lie, you creeped me out with your Napoleon Dynamite facial expressions. Your I jam with Millsie and the ladies love me (?) swagger. Then, you said you actually dressed as Napoleon for Halloween once. That’s grand. I wish I could’ve seen it. You were a Sabre, and I treat my Sabres equally. Usually. I laughed at your bad acting. Dude, WHAT were you looking at? And I suppose I should throw in Umberger (!). Fans did vote you in as an All-Star in 06-07: no YoYo, no Goose, no Roysie, no Max, no Drury. You. Fans made your jersey one of the top selling in the NHL. That’s amore. Let’s not get mushy though; you’re not a Sabre anymore. Lay low on the comments, stay outside arms length of Joe Thornton (10 points for your taste in friends), and we’ll be fine.

Sean A$$ Assver Avery: Even Hollywood thinks you’re annoying. Work it.

NBC/Versus: Just do your Play-by-plays. Learn the names. Please. Don’t start telling stories during a breakaway, and don’t show players examining their sticks during fights. We like to hear stories, but wait for a dull moment. Keep having guest appearances by charismatic goalies like Manny and Ricky. Keep the players mic’d up and let us hear “sounds of the game.” NBC, you actually have somewhat of an interest in hockey unlike other stations (no names). You made us look good at the Winter Classic. A little less talk of SidneySIDNEYSiDnEy and keep Conan on the air for as long as humanly possible, then we can be friends. 

Jaromir Jagr: Oh, man. You flat out scare me. I think it was the mullet. You’re playoff beard is, um, interesting. 

The Buffalo News: You’re really mean but you do give WNYers their news. I am a faithful reader! BN, I make fun of you a lot but everyone needs a devil’s advocate like Bucky Gleason. Bucky does give us some interesting insider information. My Marketing teacher told me you are one of the most read papers in the Country. That’s major. Continue to find the most embarrassing pictures ever and put them in the paper for all to see. YEAH!

“If I wanted to, I could hire 10,000 people to do nothing but paint my picture every day for the rest of my life. And the GNP would go up. But the utility of the product would be zilch, and I would be keeping those 10,000 people from doing AIDS research, or teaching, or nursing.” -Warren Buffet [!]

Staal Brothers: You may be the hardest one of all. You’re… so… annoying. I guess, I could say, it’s kind of neat that you’re all brothers and you all made it to the NHL. Miller did totally own all three of you in one week. That must’ve been rough. I did enjoy you’re pillow fight scene in the NHL All-Star commercial. Yes, I saw it. It was a little cute. A little. 

Chris Drury: For playing so good, you don’t smile. Ever. It doesn’t hurt, I swear. Try it. You’ll like it. Do it. Peer pressure. You left us for the Rangers. The Rangers. If I erase that from my memory, turns out all you’ve done was act like your Clutch Captain self. You taught us how to win [better]. You taught our Baby Sabres how to grow up, grow a kick ass playoff beard, rub some dirt on it, and take it like a man. You put a picture of the Cup in the dressing room. Apparently, that was huge deal to them, I don’t know. I had a strong disliking for you when you left us (well, Darcy), but then you went and did one of those interviews. You know, Kevin Sylvester sits down with players one on one and talk about good times? Oh yes, Sabre Fans know it well. You were a normal guy, you made Buffalo references and you were talking to us! Woo! You paid attention in class (unlike Willis McGahee)! All you wanted was to play hockey and play for your team – like a Patrick Kane to Buffalo. I get it. My loyalties stay with Sabres forever and always. Have fun with SEAN AND JAGS.

Hopefully, my reconciliations will protect me from damnation to H-E-double hockey sticks.

Now that’s over with I’ll continue to make fun of you because that’s what good fans do. Don’t worry Roysie, I’ll make an exception for you.

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